Me and My Uterus

I have always wanted to make a human. Like always. When I played dress up as a little girl I would put a pillow under my dresses and then have a baby. It isn’t that I wanted kids necessarily (although I can’t remember a time when I didn’t dream about being a mother) but I really, really, really have always wanted to be pregnant.

I started having sex when I was 16 and I pretty consistently misused my birth control. I knew that meant I might get pregnant and while I totally played up having that freak me out, it really didn’t.

I tried getting pregnant with my first husband. God that was 20 years ago. I tried, it failed. Every month I would make him prop me up on gigantic pillows from our bed while I laid with my legs feet up on the wall praying for the sperm to find my egg. Hoping I was gonna make a little human and feel it growing inside of me. I get horrible PMS with tender breasts. Every month I thought my tender breasts were a surefire indicator that I was pregnant. And every month, I wasn’t.

2332810389_8500287d2c_mAfter my divorce I was with women for 12 years. For 12 years I still tried to get pregnant. I had frozen sperm delivered to my house. I had frozen sperm delivered to a clinic. I had frozen sperm delivered to my house and the clinic. I had a man deliver his fresh sperm to my house. I had a man deliver his fresh sperm to a clinic. I had a man deliver his fresh sperm to my house and to a clinic. Every month I thought I was pregnant and every month I wasn’t.

main_900This past year or two my reproductive organs have been in abject agony. They scream at me, ache at me, make me feel like an alien is going to claw itself out of my abdomen at any given moment. Sometimes it hurts so bad I stop breathing because I can’t catch my breath. I went to the doctors at the student health center. No one would believe me probably because my vagina isn’t 20 years old with chlamydia. I would say I think I am entering early menopause my periods have gotten so weird.

They would say you are too young, there is nothing wrong, you are fine.
Um…no I am not.
I know my vagina and my uterus, something is wrong.

I finally found a doctor who believed me. She did an exam and sent me immediately to get an ultrasound. I have like a dozen fibroids growing in my uterus, some of them are the size of a small mandarin orange. There is a large tumor growing on my right ovary, the doctor is very concerned about that one.

I am getting a full hysterectomy. I am 41 years old.

We know the cause of my infertility.

It is too late to fix it.

For the last 5 years I have been praying for a miracle. Praying that my partners vasectomy would fail and I would get my miracle pregnancy. Hoping every single month that this time is THE time and I am going to have the baby I have always dreamed of having.

If one more person says but you have kids I am gonna throat punch them. While this is an entirely true statement and I am eternally grateful every single day that I have this beautiful and amazing family and that JTK did indeed bless me with three beautiful children…I did not make them…I did not create them…they did not grow inside of me while I nurtured and loved them with my own womb.

You see…I have always wanted to make a human. And all I can make is jacked up calcified cells that may or may not be cancerous. So here I grieve. I grieve the loss of hope. I grieve the death of my reproductive organs. And while I am so excited that my uterus won’t be 3 1/2 months pregnant with parasitic alien babies anymore and that I won’t have to buy tampons anymore and that I won’t have to try the diva cup again for the 3rd time (because my sister swears by it) and I am finally going to feel better and not be in pain…there is a part of me that is so saddened that my body has let down that adorable little blonde girl who always dreamed of having a baby.

That's me playing dress up with my sister.
That’s me playing dress up with my sister.

One more thing. I know that I birth communities. I know that I birth policies. I know that I birth activists. I know that I take care of other peoples children and help them birth their greatest selves. I know that all of this is happening for a reason and it is so I can birth the next phase of my life.

I know all of these things.

But right now, today, all I want is to have a big ass fall apart and have someone hug me and tell me that this totally blows and that I am right…it isn’t ok…just for today.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Melissa BIRD, I love how you have the ability to pour your heart out. Take time to grieve. Allow your badass to cry out loud! It will feel better. Time will heal that pain and grant you the strength you need to soar in other aspects of life. You are so freaking talented! Sending a BIG hug.😘

  2. Leprechaun says:

    So many hugs to you my dear. It isn’t ok and it freggin sucks BUT this is your path. You have given birth to all those things you mentioned and have touched / changed many lives. Im not saying all of that wouldn’t have happened if you had kids 20’years ago but for sure your life would have been different (for better or for worse). Love you Bird.

  3. Matthew Denckla says:

    Thanks for being your raw and authentic and beautiful self in this blog and in so many other places. Feel all the feelings, or, as I believe, they will haunt you and show up in other ways. I am here for you, and send my best!

  4. snowdroplets says:

    Hi there, I don’t know you but I was drawn in by the picture of the guy with the sperm bike (awesome). My body too has let me down and I’m grieving hard over this loss. I still can’t imagine not having a baby and yet, that seems to be the reality. I know the pain of hoping every time my period is slightly late. Grieving is the word, mourning. It sucks even more to have the pain of fibroids and to have the hysterectomy. I have endometriosis rather than fibroids. It does well and truly suck. On top of that, you have those ovaries to worry about. You have every right to grieve. It’s a devastating loss. I just wanted to send a note of support and encouragement. You’re not alone and your post has helped me feel less alone too. Wishing you well!

  5. Tiff says:

    Oh sweetie ❀️❀️❀️ I read this after we talked today and cried and cried for you. I understand why you don’t want them talk about it. It absolutely SUCKS. It’s a total relief to get an answer to your pain and understand all the agony of your infertility…but it just does not feel fair!! And as someone who has carried babies in my belly and miscarried pregnancies, I will NOT minimize it and be one of those who says “you already have children”. Of course you do. But yes I know this is different. I know you. You feel robbed. I think you got ripped off. It sucks. You have a zillion hugs from me and my “ok”
    to be as pissy and sad as you like. I also believe in God or my higher power you know. As my life lessons keep teaching me – what I want and think is my plan does not always seem to be what He (or the universe) supports. I am learning I have to listen to that serenity prayer damnit! I can’t control everything and that is just hard. But finding peace is calm and feels ok. And sometimes you just have to sit in your grief and really feel it. Have some good cries. Know that people love you. They REALLY love you. You are doing amazing things for those you encounter. You have a real gift. You are passionate and amazing.

  6. Lizzard says:

    I’m sorry, Missy. I know how important that all was to you.

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