Eff Sh*t Up Friday – Move over Liz Taylor, I have been married WAY more than 2 times

I love weddings. Big, fancy, balls out, glittery, sparkly weddings. I used to dream about my wedding as a child. Clearly I would be loved by a wonderful man who was going to sweep me off my feet in a style that would put Snow White and Cinderella to shame…in a carriage, complete with a hoop skirt that would become the envy of all the southern belles. I would have a line of 6 brides maids and 6 groomsmen and the most adorable flower girl and ring bearer that has ever been seen in the history of weddings. The tuxedos would be the blackest black and the lace on my wedding dress would be the whitest white. Because I am a planner I began these fantasies shortly after Steve and Kayla got married on Days. I still have the VHS tape of their wedding just in case I need it to reference for ideas.

steve and kayla

I have had 3 and 1/3 weddings in my lifetime. All were GLORIOUS and all led to marriages from hell except for the last one. That one was the simplest, but I get distracted. Let’s begin.

Wedding #1:

J.B, my best friends older brother whom I have known since I was 2. The venue was of course the country club there were indeed all the groomsmen and bridesmaids and the cutest little ring bearer and flower girls that ever lived. 250 people were in attendance. I couldn’t wear white because I was anything but virginal. Looking for a dress as a buxomy, fat bottomed girl is no fun-a horrifying experience actually. I found my dress in a small little shop on South Temple after collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor and traumatizing the old lady who was helping me. This happens all the time she assured me. She ordered me a Jessica McLintock, no lace, just off white satin. At least the veil fit on my head, no fat there. My shoes were off white satin Cole Haan with gorgeous tiny rose colored flowers on the top. I wish I would have kept them they were so lovely. The day was too hot and I got duck shit all over the bottom of my dress. I should have recognized the omen, but alas, I did not. We got drunk and danced. Everyone had fun. They put oreo cookies on our truck. The perfect wedding for a 21 year old girl who had no idea what the hell she was doing. (No photo available)

Wedding #1/3:

This is not a wedding. This is a commitment ceremony in Mexico with a lesbian named M. We had no business getting married. We had no business being together. But she was trouble and I was afraid of being lonely and I was trying to be happy. We were going to Mexico to celebrate her cousins anniversary. I brought a white lace dress that I had had since 6th grade, M. wore white linen pants. We bought our rings from a street vendor in Zihuatanejo. The hotel did flower bouquets. Her cousin performed the ceremony on the beach at sunset. It was very lesbian chic. The perfect wedding for a 26 year old girl who had no idea what the hell she was going. (No photo available)

Wedding #3:

L.L. Oh L.L. The child bride with stars in her eyes whose favorite pastime was putting me up on a pedestal. Those things are wobbly, I fall off. Now THIS was a wedding. Historic McCune Mansion downtown. Glitz, glamour, and ALL the bells and whistles. L.L. was musical so there was a 12 piece jazz band in the ballroom. The groomsmen were her sister and her best friend. My bridesmaids were my two sisters. My flower girl was my goddaughter who refused to walk down the aisle. The man who performed our ceremony was the man whose apartment we used to have sex in the first time. I had a custom made corset and a sparkly Cinderella dress. Lauren wore a tux. Champagne overflowed and for years people in the community talked about the wedding of the year. Dinner was course after course of delicious food. Our adorable guest gifts were customized miniature bottles of ketchup with our names and the wedding date on them because that was L.L.’s main food group. The perfect wedding for a 31 year old woman who SWORE she would NEVER get married again.

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Wedding #4:

James Thomas Kelly. The love of my life. I asked him to marry me while we were backpacking on Santa Rosa Island. I thought he would say no but he didn’t. We had each been married twice before. We decided to wait for a while (he wanted to wait for years) and then one day I said, “my insurance is opening up for reenrollment, if we are married you might be able to get on it”. So we set a date 2 weeks later. I ordered a cute dress and got him a linen shirt and nice shorts. We got the kids outfits in blue and white. We went to the county and got hitched with my mom, his brother and sister in law, my best gay, and the kids as witnesses. We didn’t tell anyone else and we ended up getting into a fight afterwards because I wanted to post it on Facebook but he didn’t want anyone else in his family to know. He came down and found me on the beach, my feet in the ocean. He grabbed my hand and told me he was sorry, he loved me, that he was happy that I loved him so much that I wanted to tell the whole world so they could celebrate with us. We ate dinner at a lovely restaurant. We got free desert because we were celebrating. The perfect wedding for a 39 year old woman who finally figured out that it isn’t about the wedding, it is about the marriage.

It is Friday, let’s fuck shit up,
Dr. Melissa Bird

I am doing one of my EPIC Fanning the Flames workshops at the Superwoman Society on 9/20/18 in Seattle, Washington!

Reserve your spot! BUY YOUR $40 TICKET TODAY!

Dr. Melissa Bird’s Fanning the Flames workshop is a call to action for anyone who wants to change the world. Missy is overflowing with passion, knowledge, and experience and she will invite you to find a corner of the world you’re passionate about changing.
Then she’ll give you the tools to make it happen.
If you have a chance to attend one of Missy’s events, you will leave fired up and ready to hit the ground running.

-Becky Drinnen, Adoptee Rights Advocate

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